Do you live with an anxious child? Or even a child who has some areas of anxiety? Maybe there is anxiety or fear about doing certain activities without a trusted adult present. Or perhaps your child has developed a phobia about storms, animals, water, clowns or some other thing that negatively impacts their lives (and yours).
Parents and other caregivers are frequently baffled, or even frustrated and annoyed, when a child’s anxieties begin to rule the house. It is understandably irritating when you have made plans but your child’s reaction to them brings life to a screeching (and possibly crying and screaming) halt. How in the world do you make your child get with the program and just do what they need to do?
Other parents and caregivers respond with a lot of empathy, they worry about the child’s sense of security and they have a strong urge to protect the child from experiencing distress. These parents are more likely to tell a child they don’t have to do something they fear, which is fine until that feared thing is school, a family trip or sleeping alone.
Two-parent or caregiver households often have tension develop between the caregivers as one insists the child needs to just deal with these anxieties and the other sees the child’s distress as evidence the child is being traumatized. In these situations, a tug-of-war develops between the adults which does not help the child feel more secure or learn to cope with life’s challenges.
So how do you make things better? The trick is to acknowledge that both responses are equally natural and, in their own ways, correct. It is definitely our job to raise children who can live in the adult world, facing all sorts of things that bring up anxiety and fear. It is also our job to raise children who tune into the messages sent by emotions, can set boundaries and feel trust in their adult caregivers. When parents set aside their differences and focus on their child’s needs, things will get better.
But what does an anxious child need? Most often, the child needs confidence, guidance and empathy. We can give this to our children by combining the above approaches. First, look at what you inadvertently do to support the anxiety itself. Do you speak for your child, let them skip activities or sleep in the same bed as your child? These strategies help avoid distress and the research says avoidance perpetuates fear by convincing the brain there really is something dangerous in that situation. Next, look at the ways you inadvertently punish your child when they have fears. Do you yell, ask your child to feel ashamed or withdraw comfort? Research also tells us children need caregivers to provide nonjudgemental support.
Next, instead of asking the child to change, you will pick a behavior you won’t do because it supports anxiety. For example, sleep is hard because the child fears bugs and the parents have been thoroughly checking the room. Together, decide you will no longer check for bugs. Then, when things are calm, you tell your child, “We love you very much and because we love you, we need to help you learn to get to sleep on your own. Therefore, we have decided we will not look for bugs in your room. We understand this is scary for you, yet we also have a lot of confidence in your ability to soothe yourself.” After that, each time your child asks you to look for bugs you calmly tell them in a kind voice, “I know this is scary [or feeling of your choice], yet I am confident you can do this without me.” This simple sentence says they can 1) learn to cope and 2) you understand how they feel. Lastly, you need to be consistent, calm and caring as your child gets used to this new response to their anxieties. Take one issue at a time and seek help from your pediatrician or a counselor if your child engages in unsafe behaviors.
This information comes from research by Eli R. Lebowitz. His book, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, explains in detail the above approach.
Nora Sinclair is a licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor based in Lexington, S.C.