(Letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture)

Dear Mr. Secretary: My friend Bordereaux received a $1,000 check from the government for not raising hogs, and so I am going into the not-raising hogs business. What I want to know is, what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise razorback, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each of the hogs I do not raise. My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400, until this year when he receivd $1,000 for not raising hogs. Now, if I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc.? I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to not raising 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $40,000. Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn, which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs. Yours very truly, Octover Brussard

Husband: Now look, Lucy. I don’t want to seem harsh, but your mother has been living with us for 20 years now. Don’t you htink it’s about time she got a place of her own? Wife: My mother? I thought she was your mother!

A very foul-mouthed man met the local pastor on the street one day and said, “Now, where in hell have I seen you?” To which the pastor replied, “From where in hell do you come?”

“Why are you so sad, Bill?” “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for 30 days.” “Why should that make you sad?” “Today is the last day.”

“But pastor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “Whenever Joan and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical?” “No, historical. She is always digging up my past.

We’re constantly amazed at these young things with their fancyhairdos and skintight pants—and the girls are even worse.