A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? He’s all right now!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… “That’s the last thing I need!”

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

I Googled “how to start a wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches!

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party. But my plans were foiled!

I call toilets “the Jim” instead of “the John.” So I can tell people, “I visit the Jim several times a day!”

I bought an impressionist painting, but my cat scratched it. So I’m now selling it as a clawed Monet!

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday!

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there!

What do cats have for breakfast? Mice Crispies!

What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? “Should we walk home or take a dog?!”

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? “Bison!”

What steps do you take if a tiger is running towards you? Big ones!

A pony went to see the doctor, because it couldn’t speak. “I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor. “You’re a little horse!”

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost!

What’s the difference between a cat and a frog? A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night!

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain? A drizzly bear!

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers!

What’s a frog’s favorite soda? Croak-a-Cola!

What’s the most musical part of a chicken? The drumstick!

What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant? A gi-ant!

What do you call an alligator who is a thief? A crookodile!

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow? Roost beef!

What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!

What kind of ties do pigs wear? Pig sties!