Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?” A: You can’t tuna fish.

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens A: a meowntain

Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A chimp off the old block.

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? A: An ambulance.

Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? A: Because she will Let it go.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: spoiled milk.

Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? A: Idaho... Alaska!

Q: Did you hear about that new broom? A: It’s sweeping the nation!

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

Q: Where do crayons go on vacation? A: Color-ado!

Q: Why did the belt get arrested? A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell rolling in the Deep. Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? A: It’s dread-full.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A cat-has-trophy!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward? A: Ton.

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T

Q: What did the femur say to the patella? A: I kneed you.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? A: Kitty Perry

Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? A: It gets toad away.

Q: I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. A: Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zip-po? A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

Q: If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. A: They’re usually 90 degrees.

Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie. Clooney says, “I’ll direct.” DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.” McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse replies, “Sure.”

Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff. I googled “Rorshach test.” But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? Really, really big hands.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?” The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.” “Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks. “Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNNNEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

I took part in the suntanning Olympics... ...but I only got bronze.

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible... ...it’s also terrible.

How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage.

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short. “Why would it be short?” she asked. I said, “Because it’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A: a yardvark!

Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks.