Mental Health Matters: Taking risks

In my experience as a counselor, people often have difficulty taking risks. To be clear, by “risks,” I do not mean robbing a bank, driving drunk or walking out on a job in the middle of a shift. The risks I refer to are small, everyday activities that are avoided because the very thought of them provokes discomfort.
Examples of these activities may include: making a phone call, going to the doctor, visiting a new place, saying hello to an acquaintance, asking someone a question, inviting a neighbor over for coffee, choosing a paint color, buying something or choosing a restaurant.
When an individual thinks about doing one of these activities, there is a tickle of discomfort that says, “Oh no, this is a bad idea. If you do this thing, you will feel horrible, awful, even out of control.”
Then, in order to feel better, that thing is avoided either through a decision to not do it at all or through procrastination. Completely avoiding a situation means you never give yourself the opportunity to learn if it is truly a terrible experience you cannot handle. In the event it is not a good experience, you deprive yourself of the chance to learn you are a capable person who can work through unfavorable situations.
Procrastination sets up a loop of discomfort and relief as you contemplate doing the activity and then avoid it. Avoidance becomes a shameful reward because, as time goes on, people tend to feel there is something wrong with them for procrastinating. Additionally, the loop reinforces that there is something threatening about doing the activity, which results in false evidence that there is a good reason to keep avoiding it. When the activity is finally done, the end result may be good, but the brain only has one experience with a good outcome, versus many, many experiences of building up how awful it might be.
What is a person to do if they want to get better at taking risks and confronting their fears?
The first thing I recommend is to acknowledge you are human, which means you did not come with an instruction manual, and you have been handling situations to the best of your ability. A little self-compassion can go a long way when you have been in the habit of avoiding feeling bad.
Next, refresh your memory on the Stages of Change, which I wrote about previously. This will help you identify the problem, make a plan and move into action. For help in formulating your plan, read on.
Think of some things you avoid that you would prefer to act on without going through the usual rigmarole. Which of these seems more approachable to you? For example, a call to order a pizza may seem easier to you than inviting people over, which may seem easier than asking someone on a date. Then, think about the catastrophe you have been afraid of. You may immediately say, “But there is no catastrophe.” I want you to respond with, “Then why have I been avoiding this like the plague?”
When you have a good idea of why you have been avoiding it, you will see the types of fears that have been lurking.
The next step is to ask yourself 1) how likely is it that the really bad thing will happen and 2) if it happens, how likely is it to make a big difference in a week, a month or a year. When thinking about number two, also consider ways you will manage unfavorable or even distressing situations so that you can move on.
For example, if you stumble over your words when inviting friends over, how likely is it they will stop being your friends? If they are so petty as to let some stumbled words ruin a friendship, what difference is this going to make in a week (you will probably be quite upset), a month (you will be less upset) and a year (by now, you will have found nicer friends).
As another example, consider going to that new restaurant you’ve been interested in. Maybe you fear spending money on food you do not like and let’s say it turns out the food was bad. How will this affect your life in a week, a month and a year? In a week or a month, you may be a bit mad you wasted your money, but by the time a year rolls around, there is a good chance you have forgotten you even ate there.
Honestly evaluating the threat level and how likely it is to ruin your life is an important mental health skill. It can help you feel more confident, not just about the decisions you make but about your ability to handle life when it goes sideways.
Nora Sinclair is a licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor based in Lexington, S.C.