BEHIND THE MIKE

In the Middle Ages, legend has it that young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their Valentines would be. They would wear these names for one week on their sleeves, hence the phrase “wear your heart on your sleeve”.

Most of us men must be reminded that Valentine’s Day is coming up, so we have enough sense to do something to prepare. The longer we are in a relationship, be it marriage or whatever, the more we take things like second tier days of celebration for granted. And the more likely we men will do what men do—forget. Trust me on this one, women never forget anything.

And… the more we take for granted, the less likely she will forgive us when we forget such things as birthdays, anniversaries and such. It is a double-edged sword.

When we do remember and do something special, our motives are viewed suspiciously, and we tend to feel guilty for having done so. Thus, we dig an even deeper hole for ourselves trying to explain our good deeds. Damned if you do and…

The many shortcomings of the male gender notwithstanding, I finally figured the best way out of the mess is just be consistent. Being the most inconsistent person on earth is not easy, but I feel I have accomplished that with all the grace and charm of a bull in a china shop.

Who manufactured Valentine’s Day anyway? If it is so important, why do we not we get the day off? To what level does it have to ascend to qualify as an official holiday? Like say Christmas or New Years?

One Google source suggests that the ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men—both named Valentine—on February 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.

My question is how does that now make it an obligation on my part to have to purchase cards, jewelry, flowers or you name it to recognize and acknowledge this mistake by Emperor Claudius II? That is where the marketing and promotional gurus step in to repackage this as a day of love. Seriously? Did we lose sight of the original reason for the day?

So, if you are like me and have little or no interest in celebrating this day, you start researching the day on the thousands of websites that correlate the words like “romance” with “hot mamas.” Let me save you the time.

To romance a woman, the experts tell me I should call her, hug her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, cuddle with her, shop with her, give her flowers and jewelry, hold her hand, write love letters and in short… go to the end of the earth and back for her.

Most men I know would rather milk a cobra than go shopping with their wives. Why? Women shop. Men buy. If it is reasonably close in color and size, we are in and out of the store in five minutes.

Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would need only to show up wearing anything remotely revealing, including a hazardous material suit and we men are all in.

So,what do you say to someone who is single and has no Valentine? Happy Independence Day? And if your Valentine has no idea what she wants for Valentine’s Day, give her another year to think it over. Works for me.

Michael Aun is the author of “It’s the Customer, Stupid!” (John Wiley and Sons)