James Wyman Ingram was my high school football coach in the little town of Lexington. He loved winning… but he hated losing more, especially when the defeat was self-inflicted.

“Never let 1 defeat become 2,” he said, clearing his throat constantly between his pearls of wisdom. “Don’t carry your mistakes around with you,” he said, quoting his former coach Paul Brown, for whom he played ball in the US Navy. “Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping-stones.”

Paul Brown was one of the most innovative coaches in football history as original owner and coach of the Cleveland Browns. Not only was he innovative, introducing such ground-breaking concepts as cross-blocking but he would find ways to create positivity in his players.

INGRAM BROUGHT those advanced concepts to the little town of Lexington in the late 40s. Many said he was ahead of his time, introducing pulling guards and cross-blocking and other creative ideas that allowed his smaller players to compete against bigger and superior competition.

The late Congressman Floyd Spence, a standout halfback at Lexington before going on to a career at the University of South Carolina, asked his college coaches about cross-blocking. “That’s something they do in the pro’s” was their response.

At one time, Ingram was the winningest high school football coach in South Carolina. I fondly remember his “no quitter allowed” concepts he introduced to the game.

Mama Alice, my mom, would similarly say “Find another way. Don’t quit.”

“Own what you did,” Ingram would grunt about a screw-up, “but don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and move on. Learn from your mistakes.”

When you talk to yourself, an internal voice can suggest that screwing up is okay. It is not. Do all you can do. But do not beat yourself up over what cannot be changed.

There is little if anything in nature that blooms year around. Humans are different. Growth is a work in progress, sometimes a little at a time and other times not at all. Coach Ingram would say “Make reasonable progress in a specific period of time.”

“How long is it reasonable to spend in the 1st grade?” Ingram would ask. “Industry standard? 1 year. Just make progress.”

Would-a, could-a, should-a… there is no place for them in football or in life. Treat yourself don’t beat yourself. There are plenty of people out there who are more than willing to do that for you.

The great boxing trainer Cus D’Amato once observed “To see a man beaten not by a better opponent but by himself is a tragedy.” What D’ Amato was really saying was be your own best friend.

THE PROBLEM with life is it just gets in the way. There is a major difference between expectations and goals. Goals can motivate you and allow you to focus on accomplishment with a purpose.

Life was designed with potholes. You cannot possibly know where they are. You cannot possibly have the big picture or even know exactly where you are heading. Focus simply on what to do next.

We cannot fix yesterday so beating ourselves up for it is fruitless. Learning from failure is not. Do not beat yourself. Do not let one loss become two.

Michael Aun, CSP®, CPAE® is co-author of The Toastmasters® International Guide to Successful Speaking (Dearborn, Inc.)