In nearly a half century in estate planning, I’ve found grief is present when dealing with loss of loved ones.

Shock, denial, anger, depression, testing and acceptance do not always follow in that order but they are part of the so-called “grief” process.

Anger may be the toughest stage.With what the world has suffered with the corona virus, anger is perfectly understandable. Frustrations boil over and anger takes over.

I have delivered over 4,000 formal speeches over my speaking career. Which speeches do I regret the most? I can count them one hand… and anger was what caused me to bomb!

Occasionally you get blindsided by circumstances beyond your control. Lights go out. Microphones go dead. Audiovisuals die. But that’s not the stuff to which I refer.

Anger never solves anything but can destroy everything. Anger becomes the enemy, and the enemy wants control. Those few times where anger drove my comments were most frustrating because I was angry at bad decisions made by others and allowed them to affect my performance.

For instance, the CEO who announced a 15% across the board pay cut and a 20% reduction in staff right before introducing me “…and now, ladies and gents… here is our keynote speaker.” Or the many times that other speakers abused their time, cutting right into the heart of my presentation, forcing me to make changes on the fly. Admittedly, a moment of patience could have saved hundreds of moments of regret.

The more we control our anger is when we regain our wits and manage our stupidity, which is what got us there in the 1st place. Someone once said to “make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it… and make your happiness so cheap that everyone can get it for free.”

Holding on to anger only hurts you, not others, whether they are sorry for their actions or not. Anger is the obstacle out of your past that can govern your progress in the future, rendering you less capable of living and loving in the present. Why can’t we better control this emotion?

Covid-19 helped to bring out the worst in some and the best in others. Those who were angered and frustrated hurt themselves, solving nothing. Moreover, they lose their balance in life. Under all the anger is pain. It is not necessarily “anger” that needs managing but the underlying “pain” that needs treatment. Oversee the pain and the anger is minimized.

Neurologists claim that every time you resist anger, you rewire your brain to be calmer and more loving. The same energy it takes to be careful may be energy you will never get back. Get it right the 1st time.

Buddha wrote, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned.” Perhaps Mark Twain said it best: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Michael Aun, CSP®, CPAE® is author of “The Toastmasters International Guide to Successful Speaking”