The burglars had tied and gagged the bank cashier after extracting the combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard. After they had rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate, pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag.

“Please,” whispered the cashier, “take the books, too. I’m $8,500 short.”

The other day I was driving under the influence of my husband. He talks and talks. He gets 2,000 words to the gallon.

A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.

“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.

“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”

Taxpayer: I always pay my income taxes all at once.

Tax collector: But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly installments.

Taxpayer: I know it, but my heart can’t stand it four times a year.

“What did your teenage daughter do all summer?”

“Her hair and mails.”

Dad: Did you use the car last night?

Son: Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride.

Dad: Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks.

If you live in a house full of teenagers, it is not necessary to ask for whom the bell tolls. It’s not for you.

“There will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world.”

“What about those who haven’t got any teeth?”

“Teeth will be provided.”

There are 3 basic rules for having good teeth:

1. Brush them twice a day.

2. See your dentist twice a year.

3. Keep your nose out of other people’s business.

A lot of old TV programs are going off the air and new ones are replacing them, but how can you tell?

“I just lost 10 pounds.”

“Turn around. I think I found them.”

Before I got married, I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories.