Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take the time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. She goes Tuesdays; I go Wednesdays.

One employee to another employee: “When the boss’ son starts working here tomorrow, he’ll have no special privileges or authority. Treat him just as you would anyone else who was due to take over the whole business in a year or two.”

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting ministere told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”

Professor: Jones, can you tells me who built the Sphinx?

Student: I-I-I did know, Sir, but I’ve forgotten!

Professor: Great guns, what a calamity! The only man living who knows, and he has forgotten!

Chet: How did you get your hand full of splinters? Jack: I was out hunting and caught a timber wolf bare-handed.

On the first day of springtime my true love gave to me: 5 packs of seed, 4 sacks of fertilizer, 3 cans of weed killer, 2 bottles of insect spray, and a pruning knife for the pear tree.

A janitor who worked in a railroad station decided to get married in a huge room on the upper floor of the station. So many friends and kinfolk showed up that their combined weight caused the building to collapse.

Moral of the story: Never marry above your station.

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES!

Q: What did the tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!

Q: Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? A: All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: What pet makes the loudest noise? A: A trumpet!

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping? A: He woke up.

Q: What’s the difference between you and a calendar? A: a calendar has dates.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny!

Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down? A: Swims.

Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial? A: Because he was koala-fied.

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Tentacles.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? A: Bridge over troubled water.

Q: Have you ever tried to eat a clock? A: It’s very time consuming.

Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian? A: He was booed off stage.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel? A: Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the “barking” lot!

Q: How do spiders communicate? A: Through the World Wide Web. Q: Why are chefs so

Q: Why are chefs so mean? A: They beat eggs and whip cream.

Q: Did you hear about the paper boy? A: He blew away.

Q: When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet? A: Nobody new why.

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? A: Arriba McEntire.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? A: An offer you can’t understand.