By Scoop Bellune

An old timer is someone who remembers when people who wore blue jeans actually worked.

You are an old timer if you remember when a babysitter was called “Mother.”

You’re an old timer if you remember when the only babes politicians kissed were those in their mothers’ arms.

Q: What is the greatest surgical operation on record? A: Lancing Michigan.

Son: Do you know, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: Why single out Africa?

The man who thinks he knows it all is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do.

Mabel: How is the pain your neck? Grace: He’s out playing golf.

I’ve wanted to run away from home more often since I’ve had kids than when I was a boy.

A dignified old clergyman owned a parrot of which he was exceedly fond, but the bird had picked up an appalling vocabulary of cuss words from a previous owner and, after a series of embarrassing episodes, the clergyman decided he would have to kill his pet. A lady in his parish suggested a last-ditch remedy. “I have a female parrot,” she said, “who is an absolute saint. She sits quietly on her perch and says nothing but ‘Let’s pray.’ Why don’t you bring your parrot over and see if my own bird’s good influence doesn’t reform him?” The clergyman said it was worth a trial, and the next night he arrived with his pet tucked under his arm. The bird took one look at the lady parrot and chirped, “Hi, Toots. How about a little kiss?” “My prayers have been answered,” said the lady parrot gleefully.

Two partners had come to the parting of the ways over social and business differences. “You stole my accounts,” shouted one. “You crook.” “And you stole my wife,” shouted the other. “You horse thief.”