The Rev. Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and foundseveral letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word “Fool.” Quietly and with becomming seriousness, he announced to the congregation that fact in these words:

“I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name. But this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

The pastor if the Calvary Baptist Church in Tulsa calls this his “football theology”:

Draft choice: Selection of a pew near to (or away from) air-conditioning vents.

Bench-warmer: Inactive member.

In the pocket: Where too many Christians keep their tithes.

Fumble: Lousy sermon.

Two-minute warning: Deacon in front row taking a peek at his watch in full view of his preacher.

George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million-dollar order!”

“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

Wife, to husband who just got off the penny-weight scale: “Your fortune says that you are handsome, debonair, and wealthy. It even got your weight wrong.”

The man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, Honey?” inquired his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. ‘I ran all the way home behind the bus and ave $2.”

“That wasn’t very bright,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save $12?”

A member of the Inca tribe was captured by the Spanish. The captain told his interpreter to say to the Inca Indian, “Tell him if he doesn’t tell us where they have hidden all of their gold, that we burn both of his feet in the fire.”

Through the interpreter the Inca Indian responded, “I’d rather die than tell you where the gold is.” With that, they burned his feet in the fire.”

The captain then told the interpreter to say, “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell us where the gold is hidden, that we will hang him from that noose on the tree over there.”

The Inca Indian again responded, “I’d rather died than tell you where the gold is.” With that, they took him over to the tree and hung him until he could hardly breathe.

The Spanish captain then order the Indian to be brought to him again. This time he said to the interpreter. “Tell him if he doesn’t tell us where the gold is that we will skin him alive.”

The Inca Indian could stand it no longer and said, “The gold is hidden in a little cave just behind the large waterfall. The waterfall is one mile over the hill to the right.”

The interpreter related the following to the captain: “He said that he would rather die than tell you where the gold is.”