Late one night in the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon.”

Another said, “How do you know?”

The first inmate said, “God told me.”

Just then a voice from the next room shouted, “I did not.”

One day I had a dream about my friend Pastor Smith. I dreamed that he died and went to heaven. But in the dream, the way to heaven was to climb a ladder. And as anyone climbed the ladder, he was supposed to take a piece of chalk and make a mark on each rung for each sin he had committed.

As I watched my dream I saw Pastor Smith coming down the ladder. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was coming down for more chalk.

Mark Twain’s hostess at the opera had chattered so much that no one in her box had been able to enjoy the singing. At the end of the performance she said, “Mr. Clemens, I want you to be my guest next Friday night, too. They are going to give Tosca then”

“Charmed,” said Twain. “I’ve never heard you in that.”

A college student wrote home to his family: “Dear Mom and Dad, I haven’t heard from you in nearly a month. Please send a check so I’ll know you’re all right.”

The trouble with your children is that when they’re not being a lump in your throat, they’re being a pain in your neck.

The greatest aid to adult education is children.

Father: Why are you always at the bottom of your class?

Dennis: It doesn’t make any difference. They teach the same thing at both ends.

Mother: Suzie, what have you been doing this morning while I was working in the kitchen?

Suzie: I was playing postman.

Mother: How could you play postman when you don’t have any letters?

Suzie: I was looking through your trunk in the garage and found a packet of letters tied with a nice ribbon, and I posted one in everyone’s mailbox on the block.

A man arrested for gambling came before the judge. “We weren’t playing for money,” he explained to the judge. We were playing for chips.”

“Chips are just the same as money,” the judge sternly replied. “I fine you $15.”

The defendant looked sad, then slowly reached into his pocket and handed the judge three blue chips.

A lady senator was trying to speak to an audience of farmers from her area. A man who opposed her stood up and challenged her. “Why should you represent us? You don’t come from a farm. I’d even like to know if you know how many toes a pie has.”

Quick as a flash the lady senator repied, “Sir, why don’t you take off your shoes and count them?”

There’s nothing like the Christmas season to put a little bounce in your checks.

“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love their church.”

Q: If a man crosses the ocean twice without taking a bath, what is he called?

A: A dirty couble-crosser.

“I heard about an artist

who painted a cobweb on the ceiling so realistically that the maid spent hours trying to get it down”

“Sorry, I don’t believe it.”

“Why not? Artists have been know to do such things.”

“Yes, but maids haven’t.”

Q: What’s the difference between a mental institution and a college?

A: In a mental institution you must show improvement to get out.

A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the hen-house: “An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away.”

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

Waiter: We haven’t had a complaint in 25 years.

Customer: No wonder. The customers all starve to death before they are served.

He needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.