This column is dedicated to my friend Beryl, with thanks!

A little boy was visiting his grandmother. She made herself a cup of coffee. When she went to take a sip, she noticed a little toy solder in the bottom of the cup. When she asked the little boy about it, he replied, “It’s like the TV commercial, grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue. Just agree with him.

Doctor: Say, the check you sent to pay my bill came back.

Patient: So did my arthritis.

Sign on the tomb of an atheist:

Here lies an atheist

All dressed up

And no place to go.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up the idea. They have no holidays.

Atheist: Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a whale?

Preacher: I don’t know, Sir, but when I get to Heaven I’ll ask him.

Atheist: But suppose he isn’t in Heaven?

Preacher: Then you ask him.

Getting the baby to sleep is the hardest when she is about 18 years old.

Nancy: What excuse have you for not being married?

Rich: I was born that way.

Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?

If a man is bald in front, he’s a thinker. If he’s bald in back, he’s a lover. If her’s bald in front and back, he thinks he’s a lover.

If you think no evil, see no evil, and hear no evil, the chances are you will never write a best-selling novel.

After a family disturbance, one of the little boys closed his bedtime prayer by saying, “And please don’t give my dad any more children… He don’t know how to treat those he’s got now.”

The five Bs of old age are: bifocals, bunions, bridges, bulges, and baldness.

“I’m really worried.”

“Why?”

“Well, my wife read A Tale of Two Cities and we had twins. Later she read The Three Musketeers and we had triplets. Now she is reading Birth of a Nation!”

To err is human. To blame it on the other guy is even more human.

Mark Twain was once asked the difference between a mistake and a blunder. He explained it this way: “if you walk into a restaurant and walk out with someone’s silk umbrella and leave your own cotton one, that is a mistake. But if you pick up someone’s cotton umbrella and leave your own silk one, that’s a blunder.”

Mark Twain was once trapped by a bore who lectured to him about the hereafter: “Do you realize that every time I exhale, some poor soul leaves this world and passes on to the great beyond?”

“Really? Why don’t you try chewing cloves?”

“How long can a man live without brains?”

“I don’t know. How old are you?”

Martha: Is your husband a bookworm?

Roberta: No, just an ordinary one.

A bore is someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting.

She refuses to give him a divorce. She says: “I’ve suffered with the bum for 15 years, and now I should make him happy?”

No matter how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are.

“My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,” said the high-society lady. She turned to a second lady and said, “And how far does your family go back?”

“I don’t know,” was the reply. “All of our records were lost in the Flood.”

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.

Look, I am not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.