“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.

Q: What do you call a sad pup?

A: mellon collie

Q: What was the dogs favorite type of homework to do?

A: A lab report

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her.

I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him, “This is Grandma’s girl.”

Alex replied, “You are not her grandma; she doesn’t even know you.”

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

Q: What do you call friends who love math?

A: algebros

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.”

One Sunday, we attended a church out of town that was more formal. What our church called bread and juice, this one referred to as elements, a word William didn’t understand.

As Communion began, the pastor said, “If the deacons will come forward, the elements will pass among us.”

William was suddenly excited and I didn’t know why. Then he leaned toward me, whispering something that caused me to burst out laughing. With all eyes on us, I took him by the hand and we made a hasty exit.

All the way to the car, he protested. “Mom, we’re going to miss the circus. The pastor said the elephants were going to pass among us!”

Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college?

A: Because it already had a million degrees!

Q: What do planets like to read?

A: Comet books!

Q. Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?

A. It was full!

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”