Know anyone having a 50th birthday. Here are some jokes to regale them.

for women

You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.

You know you’re 50 when you can look back on your 40th birthday and wonder what all the drama was about.

You know you’re 50 when you’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.

You know you’re 50 when you purchase your moisturizer by the case instead of by the jar.

You know you’re 50 when you finally understand that being over the hill beats being planted under it.

for men

You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.

You know you’re 50 when your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart’s parking lot on the first try.

You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.

You know you’re 50 when your trick knee goes out more than you do.

You know you’re 50 when your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your bad back.

You know you’re 50 when getting some action means all those prunes your doctor is making you eat are doing their job.

You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.

at work

Turning 50 means punching a time clock is probably the most exercise you’ll get all day.

Turning 50 means your aspirations toward middle management now involve your waistline instead of your job.

Turning 50 means being asked “Do you want fries with that?” beats being the one doing the asking.

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo. It is the only gorilla at the zoo and is the most popular attraction and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit for an extra $100 a day and go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla.

The new “gorilla” becomes a hit. But the the craze wears off after a month. To get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big troublemaking truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, I find it has been stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my car. The cab driver just drives away.

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

Old people at weddings poke me and say “You’re next.” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

Why don’t oysters give to charity?

Because they are shellfish!

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew!

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth Hurty!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat!

I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.