By Scoop Bellune

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”

Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

Henry wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the widow’s son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I’ve just gotten here and everything’s set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine.

“P.S. It’s really hot!”

Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.

After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?”

The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.”

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

You’re not completely useless. You can serve as a bad example.

Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road? There was a traffic jam.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. “uno, dos…” POOF! He disappears without a tres.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.