Want to hear a dirty joke? A kid jumped into a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? A kid jumped into the bath. What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved. Did you sea what I did there? No? I’m shore you did. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted. I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve. I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted. My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Today I gave my dead batteries away… Free of charge. Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping. If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing. Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it’ll always get you the right ones. I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. I am going bananas. That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house. I’m so bright my mother calls me son. My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. One hat said to the other: “You stay here I’ll go on a head.” What fits your schedule better, exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day? I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work. I have never seen a fruit punch and a cereal box. A three-legged dog walks in the bar and says - “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw.” I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist. Hey, I changed my password to incorrect because if I forget, it will “say your password is incorrect!” Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin? If money doesn’t grow on trees why do banks have branches? Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk? I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life. It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you! Don’t tell a secret in a cornfield. There are too many ears. Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?