The worst pick-up lines

Thank God I’m wearing gloves. Why? Because you’re too hot to handle.

Do you want to go out for dinner? Just smile for yes, or do a backflip for no.

I’m not actually this tall. I’m standing on my wallet.

What’s the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out.

Wow, you’re hotter than the bottom of my laptop.

Anything you say can and will be held against you, so only say my name.

I could have called heaven and asked for an angel, but I was hoping you were a slut instead.

You wanna know what’s the best thing in my life? It’s the first word of my question.

You know, I don’t usually have the nerve to talk to beautiful women ... Which is why I’m talking to you and not your friend.

Do you have a tan or do you always look this hot?

Treat me like a pirate and gimme that booty.

Is your name WiFi? Because I’m really feeling a connection.

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?

Are you an Instagram picture? Because I’d double tap you all night.

If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.

Excuse me, is your name Grace? Because you’re so amazing.

Hi, do you have a few minutes for me to hit on you?

If you were words on a page, you’d be FINE print.

Really bad blonde jokes

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree. After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.” A blonde woman turns up at work in floods of tears. Her boss asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “My mom died.” The boss tells her to go home but she insists she’ll be fine. Later that day, the boss finds her in floods of tears again so he asks if she’s okay. She replies, “Not really. I just talked to my sister and her mom died too.”

My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone. The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film”…

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets. He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.” Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?” The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….” There’s a silence… Then a loud gunshot… Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?” The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5”, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?” The guy thinks about it a second and says: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Really bad cow jokes

Why do cows have no money? Because farmers milk them dry.

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bedtime.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Deja moo. That feeling you’ve heard this bull before.

I’ve just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow. I’m over the moon.

What do you get when you sit under a cow? A pat on the head.

When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196 cows. When he rounded them up he had 200.

A farmer was milking his cow one fine morning. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head. Then the fly flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A farmer friend of mine has just told me he’s managed to cross a cow with a chicken. Sounds like a cock and bull story to me.

What do you get if you cross a cow with a ghost? Vanishing cream.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison.

What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks, I’m stuffed.

What kind of dog lives at the North Pole? A chilli dog.