We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train grown people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw fish to them.

A salesman rings a doorbell and the door is answered by a small boy who has a lighted cigar and a glass of whisky. The man says, “Hello, sonny, is your Mom or Dad home?”

The boy replies, “What the h___ do you think???”

I pointed to 2 old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said to my friend, “That’s us in 10 years.”· He said, “You dummy, that’s a mirror!”

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford.

TV proves that people will watch anything rather than look at each other.

My reality check just bounced.

I was street smart. Unfortunately, the street was Rodeo Drive. - Carrie Fisher

Will Rogers famously said: If we got 1-10th of what’s promised to us in these acceptance speeches, there wouldn’t be any reason to go to Heaven.

Long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

Why most men are seldomly depressed:

• You don’t have to change your last name.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves

• Car salesmen and mechanics tell you the truth.

• You can be President.

• The world is your oyster and your urinal, too.

• You don’t have to stop and think which way to turn the nut or a bolt.

• Wrinkles add character

• Same work, more pay.

• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

• New shoes never cut, blister or mangle your feet.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You know stuff about tanks, guns and explosives.

• You can play with toys your whole life.

• 3 pairs of shoes are 2 too many.

• You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

• You will never get pregnant, suffer morning sickness or have stretch marks.

• Your clothes never need cleaning or washing.

• You don’t dye your hair.

What I love about world history: It’s a long story.

Got a joke? Email it to JerryBellune@yahoo.com