We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller

You know what I love about world history? It’s a long story.

Puzzler of the Week: Why aren’t there any B batteries?

Long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

Why most men are seldomly depressed:

• Your name’s the same unless you change it.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves

• Car salesmen and mechanics tell you the truth.

• You can be President.

• The world is your oyster and your urinal, too.

• You don’t have to stop and think which way to turn the nut on a bolt.

• Wrinkles add character

• Same work, more pay.

• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

• New shoes never cut, blister or mangle your feet.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You know stuff about tanks, guns and explosives.

• You can play with toys your whole life.

• 3 pairs of shoes are 2 too many.

• You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

• You will never get pregnant, suffer morning sickness or have stretch marks.

• Your clothes never need cleaning or washing.

• You’ll probably never dye your hair.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

The 1st testicular guard, the “cup”, was used in hockey in 1874 and the 1st helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for hockey players to realize that their brains are also important.

Nothing can be worse than realizing in an argument that you’re wrong.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work? Alaska!

The percentage of Africa that’s wilderness: 28%. The percentage of North American wilderness: 38%.

Got a joke? Email it to JerryBellune@yahoo.com