“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up for a living.”

– Muhammad Ali

Why are there no Knock Knock Jokes about freedom?

Because freedom rings. It doesn’t knock.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.” – Milton Berle

What did ET’s dad say when he got home? “Where on Earth have you been?” ‘

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

– Norm Crosby

I didn’t make it to the gym again today. That makes 5 years.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Pessimist: the glass is half empty. Optimist: the glass is half full. Engineer: The glass must be re-engineered.

You can’t buy happiness but you can buy cupcakes.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people have told you can’t be done.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of Democrat, Republican and Independent politicians. They all hang together, half of them don’t work and those that do aren’t all that bright.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need one to skydive twice.

Woody Allen said: “I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying.”

I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk; we go to parties.

Many people are still alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

In filling out an application, where it says “in case of emergency, notify” I put DOCTOR.

If I told you where the self-help section is...that would kind of defeat the purpose, now, wouldn’t it?

Macho doesn’t prove mucho.

We child-proofed our house...but they manage to get in anyway.

Get married? I can’t mate in captivity.

I chose the road less traveled. Now where am I?

At my age, I need glasses: glasses of wine, glasses of beer and glasses of scotch.

Got a joke? Email it to JerryBellune@yahoo.com