Health conditions of any kind often present us with some challenges. My sons are dirt bike riders, and if you know anything about recreating with motorized and wheeled machines, you know that sometimes things can go … sideways. Some years ago, two of my sons broke their collar bones exactly one month apart from each other. In some sort of Deja Vue experience, we found ourselves in the exact same emergency room, on the exact same day of the week and month, with the exact same surgeon about to make some hefty repairs. 

Friends, family, neighbors, all reached out to asked what we needed. It can be hard to know exactly what to ask for in these situations, but people have gifts of caring to share, and we found ourselves with food, meals, stuffed animals, chocolates and offers for rides to doctor’s appointments. Similarly, when I was diagnosed with cancer, there was an outpouring of love and concern for our entire family. Meal trains, offers to sit with me while I was receiving chemo and at times, people came out just to sit with me. Cancer can leave you feeling alone and discouraged, but the community opened up with support that I had never seen before in my life. 

Mental health conditions are common occurrences, with one out of four to five persons experiencing an episode of one condition or another. These are conditions which also create changes and stress on families. The effected person is unable to carry through on the chores and family related jobs for which they are normally responsible. There is just no energy to cook meals. Getting children to school, picking them up, getting groceries, taking out the garbage, cleaning the house, all become too heavy for the suffering person to perform. Getting back and forth to work saps our small energy stores, and there’s nothing left for home. Sometimes family members, not understanding the biological nature of mental health, become resentful and exhausted from trying to pick up the slack left in the wake of depression and/or anxiety. 

Unlike the response to physical illnesses, we have a hard time figuring out how to respond to needs when the illness involves mental health. In the National Alliance on Mental Illness, we say the mental illnesses are the “no casserole” illnesses. It is a rare occurrence when we even let others outside of the home know we are struggling, and when we do, community members have a hard time understanding what might be helpful. We really do not know how to talk about, or respond, to these situations.

If we are the person afflicted with the condition, frankly, it can be hard to even know what our needs are, let alone communicate them to others. When we are family members of those with the condition, we too can struggle to know what we need and how to communicate those needs to others. How do we figure out what to say, what to ask for and who to ask?

If we are prone to episodes of mental health struggles, we can be proactive. During times when we are feeling well, we can prepare a plan for the next time we are ill. Of course this is not possible during a first occurrence. Let’s look at some guidelines that can be helpful when communicating our needs during these times.

We can start by thinking about what our specific needs are. This can take a bit of parsing out, but it is possible. Do we need someone with a sympathetic ear? Perhaps Aunt JoAnn is good at listening with empathy, without offering advice. At other times we may need help with household tasks. Letting even just that one gifted organizing person in the neighborhood know that we need meals can be the ticket to having a warm meal in the evenings. Maybe we really need help finding a mental health professional, and we have a relative who works in the field who can offer guidance. Asking for specific needs can be helpful for those who want to help but don’t know what to offer. 

We can more easily do this when we are feeling well, and it is helpful to think through who is in our circle of support and who has what to offer. A student of mine years ago shared with me an adage I will never forget: “My daddy always says you can’t get eggs from a hardware store.” For some time in my own life, I had a hard time harnessing the support others could offer me simply because I was asking people for something they didn’t have. Not everyone is a patient listener. It takes a certain someone to organize and plan rides to appointments. Our support systems are often very diversified, and when we know what people’s gifts are, what are the ways they love to love others, they are often glad to support us with what they have. 

It is important to ask for help with some forethought. Picking a calm and quiet place to ask someone for their help can be a good start. When we are sharing with someone that periodically we experience a mental health condition where we really need support, and we have accurately chosen that person because of their strengths and gifts, often they are honored to be a part of our support team. 

It may feel overwhelming to think about asking others face to face. Perhaps writing them a letter or sending them at text is a less we difficult way to approach this situation. Other times we might share an article on mental health with a friend or loved one that can open the conversation. 

What are some effective communication strategies that can reduce the stress of these conversations? Using “I” statements is a useful place to start. This helps us focus on our own experiences and avoid sounding accusatory as we ask for help. It is far different to say, “I am easily overwhelmed when…,” instead of, “You always make me feel…” We want to own our own experiences and needs, inviting the other to be a part of a solution. 

The more specific and direct we can be, the less likely miscommunication will occur. When we can clearly explain how our mental health impacts our daily lives, it leaves little room for them to have to guess. For instance, when we describe what happens to our mood, or our energy when we are depressed, we can also be more specific about what we need from them. Otherwise, we leave them guessing at something they may know nothing about. 

The more we can define our goal, the more likely they will be able to hear us. Perhaps we just want to inform them of our diagnosis. “I want to share with you that I was recently diagnosed with anxiety, and I wanted you to know.” Or we may seek their empathy and understanding. “You have shared with me that you have a family member who experiences depression, and I thought you might be able to understand what I am going through.” 

If we can have these conversations when we are feeling well, we can also see this as an opportunity to bring awareness to mental health in general. When loved ones struggle to understand what we are experiencing, it can be helpful to compare mental health conditions to physical health, such as a broken bone, or diabetes to help normalize the need for treatment. It can be difficult to have these conversations during an episode. 

There are some helpful scripts if we are in a place with no words. 

To open the door to a conversation: “I’ve been dealing with something hard lately and could really use support.”

To explain your symptoms: “I haven’t felt like myself for a while. I’ve been feeling really sad, and having trouble concentrating, and it has been making it hard for me to be around others.”

Maybe we need to ask for someone to fill a specific role: “I’m thinking about talking with a therapist. If you don’t know what to say, it is ok. Just being here for me is helpful.”

Finally, it is helpful to think about managing responses to our requests. The first step is to think about our own expectations. Not everyone will respond or respond in a helpful way right away. Sometimes people need time to process what we have shared with them. 

Think about setting boundaries. It is perfectly ok to stop the conversation if it becomes too overwhelming, or if the reaction is not what you had hoped or expected. “I really appreciate you talking with me. Let’s take a break and maybe we can revisit this at another time.”

We are not created, designed or built to go through life alone. We are communal creatures who need one another to be fully human. We can be community with one another whether we have a broken collar bone, cancer, depression or anxiety. We also can ask for our needs to be met. While we cannot control how others will respond, when we effectively communicate what we need, we give others the opportunity to respond with love and care.

Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.