It is that time of the year. Again. Halloween is the holiday focused on candy, spooky costumes, neighborhood camaraderie and tummy aches after hitting the candy bowl. Aside from the candy, expectations remain reasonable and attainable. But then we slide into the world of Thanksgiving and right behind that, Christmas, it can feel like we are on a runaway train of commercialism, financial stress and emotional strain.

It can be a tricky time of the year regarding mental health. Environmental factors such as shortened daylight hours, gray, dreary winter days and colder temperatures affect many people’s mental health. Depression lurks around the corners. Anxiety is on the rise due to perfectionist expectations. Every school and extra-curricular activity our children are involved in all have their own end-of-semester/winter concerts, competitions and celebrations. Even more impactful is the contradiction: how can one feel so miserable during such a festive and hope-filled time of the year?

Statistics verify this as well. Even though calls for mental health services might go down during these waning months of the year, it is often due to the sheer hectic nature of social obligations. In other words, life is too fast-paced for many people to reach out and ask for help. The real proof of the stress is in the figgy pudding. The impact of the holiday shows up after Jan. 1, when the tree is dropping needles, leaving your living room looking like a spruce forest floor, the leftovers in the fridge are starting to grow their own special forms of bacteria and scraps of wrapping paper are showing up under all the furniture.  

Rates of depression and anxiety back this up. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reports that 64% of people who already live with a mental health condition report that their mental health worsens during the holidays. Additionally, our use of alcohol tends to increase during this time of the year and acts as both as a precursor as well a consequence of the pressures of the holidays. Even for those who do not experience ongoing mental health struggles, post-holiday blues can become an affliction.

Why might we be so vulnerable to mental health symptoms during this time of goodwill and good cheer? Well, there are several factors. SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) offers us insight gleaned from the research on this phenomenon. The factors make sense when we stack them up.

Financial pressures tend to increase during this time of the year. Gifts, travel expenses and extra groceries for guests all add up to financial stress. We often spend what we do not have due to the high expectations. Meeting expectations, keeping up with family traditions, Secret Santa traditions at work, all amount to money many of us do not have in savings just for the occasion. Especially during this particular year, with the increases in costs of living.

Extra time spent with family can be both exciting and stressful at the same time. Family can be both a bastion of safety and protection, as well as one of the most dangerous places we can experience. Histories of abuse, neglect, trauma and unmet needs can reverberate through each family gathering in ways that many find haunting and troubling. The contrast and contradictions between high holiday expectations along with the reality of family pain can be almost impossible to reconcile. Family “secrets” leave remnants of unspoken but clearly felt emotions and wounds.

Loss of loved ones can be particularly difficult during the holidays. Whether a recent loss or one experienced years ago, the emotional holes left by their leavings can be so much more poignant during this time. Grief often raises its head at the most inopportune times, making us feel vulnerable and exposed.

Increased expectations can leave those of us with our own streaks of perfectionism feeling perpetually unable to meet them. We compare what we can provide with others, and we can always find someone else who is doing it better than us. For some, this pressure is so great that they do not even attempt to live up to these expectations.

As mentioned earlier, seasonal affective disorders can leave some of us with little energy, hope or inspiration with which to carry through with holidays. Limited sunlight, dreary weather, cold temperatures all drain our energy and abilities to do “all the things.” We can find ourselves in a place where “the faster we run, the more behind we become.”

So, there must be some ways to be proactive about these factors. We do not have to become victims of these stressors and pressures. I believe in developing options in any given situation. SAMHSA offers us some helpful suggestions for starters. This is another instance where knowledge is power, so get ready to power up!

Pay attention to your feelings. We have feelings for a purpose. I think of them as road signs. Just like when you are traveling on the interstate, and you see the sign for an exit and you know you need to fuel up your vehicle, that road sign is the message that this is the place you need to exit. Feelings work much the same way. When we are afraid or fearful, there is usually some understandable reason why those feelings are there. This is a chance for you to be a detective with your own emotional functioning.

Develop a plan for when you are feeling lonely, stressed or sad. Have your plan ready and inform those who you include in your plan. Think of these are your lifelines. If I am in a stressed or sad place, I have two different people whom I know I can call. Maybe I just need to vent. Or perhaps I need someone to listen to my situation and help me problem-solve. There are two key things here: you want to have conversations with your lifelines so that they agree to be a lifeline for you. Let your two or three people KNOW that you may be calling on them for this kind of support. It can also be helpful to let them know that there may be different kinds of support you will need. “I just need you to listen today,” or, “I am having a really hard time figuring this situation out, and I am hoping you can help me problem solve.”

Practice self-care. Self-care looks different for each of us. I love to run. It is something that helps regulate my emotions and my thoughts. My sister hates running. Running will never feel like self-care for her. She may find that doing a hobby such as knitting brings her calm and peace. Sometimes our season of life dictates which self-care strategy will work best for us. When my children were small, I figured out how to work around their needs and schedules so that I could do a few things that felt relaxing and soul feeding to me. Pretty much anything is up for discussion when it comes to self-care, as long as it is safe for you.

Connect with community. Because holiday blues can tend to lead us to self-isolate, it can be helpful to find other ways to intentionally connect with your various communities. This may look like joining or forming a book club, joining a cycling club or taking a class on cake decorating. This connection does not have to be connected to the holidays at all, as long as it is something that gets you out of the house and around other healthy people.

Support others. This can sound cliché, so please take this in the spirit in which I offer it. Helping others can be a way to get us out of our unproductive thinking. When we are involved in helping others, it can take our minds off some of our own circumstances. Maybe you have a neighbor who needs rides to their medical appointments. Perhaps there is a young mom in your neighborhood or church who could use a couple of hours break from wrangling her kids for the afternoon. Or perhaps you find someone who needs help walking their dogs.

Recognize seasonal mood changes. Being aware of your mood and anxiety fluctuations is a healthy habit any day of the year. As you practice this, just like you would practice the piano or football, it will become much easier to engage in practice. Again, if our feelings are road signs that can help us take different actions, then awareness and recognition of what those signs are and what they mean is a foundational skill/awareness to develop!

Avoid alcohol and drugs. While this may seem like a tall order for some, it really has merit in the world of mental health. Both alcohol and drugs have mood-altering properties. It is very common to use either or both to manage uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, but if this is what we use it for, we then have another layer of feelings to unearth. There is the first layer that we are trying to escape from by using substances. There is a second layer as well, where we now have feelings and thoughts about using substances to avoid the first layer. The tendency to use substances is perfectly understandable. Just know why you are using, and that doing so makes mental health even more complex.

Know when to seek help. Yes, seeking help is on this list, too. How do we know when that time has come? I know for myself, change is hard. But when I become “sick and tired of being sick and tired,” this option looks more appealing. When I have come to the edge of my own ability to figure things out and I no longer can tolerate the discomfort of where I am, seeking help looks like a pretty good option. We also know that trying to make a change before we are really ready for it, is less likely to be successful. For some, this limit might look like having no energy or will to do daily tasks. For others, this can look like having thoughts about our life’s worth and value, questioning why we are even here. Contemplating ending our lives is a road sign indicating the need for help. Most people experience this at some point in their lives. If that has been your experience, you are in good company. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is, however, a message from ourselves to ourselves that we need help.

Finally, keeping a sense of humor can also be helpful. Sometimes humor can be a way to avoid emotional and mental pain. But we also need humor for health. There are statistics out there that indicate we need upwards of 10 good belly laughs a day for optimal mental and emotional wellness. Some sources recommend 10 to 15 minutes of good laughter a day.  Regardless of how we measure it, laughter helps regulate our stress hormones, increases our oxygen and endorphin levels, and decreases our stress responses. The regular practice of laughter can also provide protection against diseases such as cancer and cardiovascular illnesses. Also, those 10 to 15 minutes of laughter help burn 40 extra calories.

It is helpful to be proactive with our mental wellness, and it is particularly important during holidays. It is also empowering to have a toolbox full of mental health strategies. We do not have to be victims of holiday stress. We have other options.

Good health to all of you!!

Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.