Mental Health Matters: The power of presence

“How we live out our days, is, of course, how we live out our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.” - Annie Dillard, “The Writing Life”

My family got together recently for two of my children’s birthdays. It was a lovely celebration with excellent Mexican food. It was a joyful celebration, nine of us around the table. Seven adults, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. Lots of cross talk and laughter, joshing and ribbing between siblings.

At one point, my 3-year-old grandson turned to his father to ask a question. His soft little voice got lost in the hum of other conversations. Within the minute, my son turned to my grandson and said, “I’m so sorry, honey. You asked me a question, and I was not listening. Can you ask me again?” I don’t even recall what my grandson’s actual question was because what had struck me was the process between my son and grandson.

I can recall from my early days as a parent feeling overwhelmed by all the “noise” in the world, struggling to “hear” what my children were trying to communicate to me either verbally or nonverbally. What were their little voices competing with? Hmm…let’s see….. The grocery list in my head I was trying hard not to forget. The last thing that happened at work that day that I had no time to resolve. Did I remember to pick up dog food? Gotta stop at the gas station to gas up my vehicle. Were we going to make to soccer practice on time?

Suddenly one (or more) of their small voices would break through, and what I would hear was “Can we, Mom? Can we do that?” I would realize I had no idea what they were trying to talk about with me.

Watching my son interact with his son, I realized my son was working on changing a pattern that I had regretfully lived out with my children. It is not that I never did it “right,” but rather that making it happen intentionally was a challenge for me. It has brought up a wide range of feelings for me. I felt a hint of sadness about my own lost opportunities with my children (although I can certainly practice it with them even now). I also felt deep gratification and appreciation for being witness to the work my son is doing in his relationship with his son.

“Cat’s in the Cradle” (song by Harry Chapin)

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then…..

We have a term for what I am referring to here: being present. What exactly does “being present” refer to? There are of course numerous sites that offer up definitions. But the gist of them all includes these things: being aware of what is happening, exactly where you are, in the precise moment. This is a tall order for those of us with ADHD, or who suffer from daydreaming! We live in a world where there are SO many things screaming for our attention. I sometimes feel like my ears get tired!

Why is being present so important? Going back to my son and his son, we can find several lessons that relate to our mental health. When we are children, it is critical that the adults form secure attachments with us. Children need to know that the adults in their lives are there for them, are clued into their needs and will have their backs. Without this attachment, it will be difficult for that child to grow up with confidence and curiosity.

Secure attachment fosters emotional resilience, or as I think of it, emotional elasticity. In other words, our emotional health has the breadth and depth we need to make it through the tough times, bounce back and be able to enjoy the good times as well. Without this elasticity, the ups and downs of life bounce against our brittle selves, with great risk of finding ourselves emotionally broken.

Being present with our little ones means that our children can grow up with a consistent foundation of safety, where they feel safe to trust, connect and navigate the challenges that all of us end up facing throughout life. And all of us at some point or another are sure to confront challenges.

Prioritizing our presence over perfection in particular offers deep lasting benefits for our little ones’ development. In doing this, we communicate the fact of their value and importance. This happens in three ways.

It builds security and trust where they learn their parents are consistently available. That consistency strengthens your bond with them and creates a template for all future relationships.

It also strengthens and enhances their mental health. Engaging in face-to-face play and conversation with them significantly lowers their risk of developing depression and anxiety. Our presence, our being present, acts as an emotional buffer, making it easier for them to handle overwhelming situations, of which there are many throughout a lifetime.

Thirdly, when we are present with our children, we teach them empathy and communication. We can teach our children the art of listening and interpreting social cues. When we are present with our children, it models to them exactly how to connect with others in healthy and mutually rewarding ways.

Being present with our children also improves their academic performance and experiences. Children with involved and present parents typically demonstrate better focus and do better in school because they learn early on the skills and values of education and communication.

So, a reasonable next question is, “How the heck am I to learn how to be present? I have a million things pulling at me every day and I can barely keep track of my own thoughts!”
Sian Fergusen shares with us some tips to help us be more present in “How to Live in the Moment and Be More Present.” (Published on Psych Central in 2022. They offer us some tips for being more present. Let’s take a quick tour through their some of their suggestions!

1. Monotasking
   We all believe ourselves to be effective and efficient multi-taskers. After all, I can wash the dishes, listen to the news and chew gum at the same time any day of the week. The truth of the matter is this: by its very definition, we are not in a very good position to judge whether we ourselves are good at multi-tasking, which would by then be triple tasking. If we want to hear a more objective perspective, we will need to ask our children, or our spouses, or our co-workers. What my son realized at the table on Friday night, was that he was trying to do too much at once, and his son was losing out. Awesome awareness!
2. Breathing Exercises
   Most of us have heard of breathing exercises. The idea is deceptively simple. We breath every day. Inhale. Exhale. Think about what you are doing, the act of breathing, as you breath. This is much more difficult to put into action. Mindful breathing is a very effective tool for managing our emotions, improving our mental wellness and learning to live in the moment. Done effectively, breathwork can help us become aware of our body sensations. Keeping our focus on in the feeling of inhaling and exhaling….darn, I hear the doorbell ring….now what was I doing again? Seriously, intentionally experiencing the rhythmic in and out of our breath can help us learn what our minds often ignore. How does your body respond to your breath? What is your body trying to tell you? If you are really interested in breathwork, there are numerous sites where you can learn specific deep breathing techniques.
3. Meditation
   We often get this tangled up with prayer, and at times our notion of what prayer is gets pretty knotted up as well! My spiritual guides have mentioned that prayer is at least as much an act of listening to God, as it is speaking our own words. In fact, our own words can sometimes get in the way of our hearing what God it trying to give us. Some of my most powerful experiences of prayer have been when I am simply out of words, nothing left to say, or words are inadequate. They simply do not convey where I am, what I am longing for or the depth of the anguish I may be carrying at that particular time.

But getting back to meditation….it doesn’t have to have any connection to prayer at all. Meditation simply is about learning to be present in your own body and mind. One of the simplest methods of meditation involves sitting in a quiet space with your eyes closed. You will notice thoughts going through your mind, and the intention is to let them come and go. Our usual human modus operandi is to get caught up in those thoughts. I think of this as observing our thoughts. Watching them come and go just like watching the waves at the beach come and go.

These are not immediate fixes. They take time and practice. I mean practice, like we practice playing the piano. They take intentionality. But they also present the opportunity to shift and alter generational communication patterns. This can change relationships, including our future relationships with our grown children sometime in the future. The last stanza of Harry Chapin’s powerful song gives us a glimpse of how critical this is.

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then

Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.