The Sports Grouch

Remember Forrest Gump, the not quite bright hero of Winston Grooms’ novel and the Tom Hanks movie.

One of his most memorable quotes was “stupid is as stupid does.”

Gump would have been as puzzled as the rest of us by bureaucrats who paid farmers not to grow things. Nobody ever accused bureaucrats of being brainiacs.

But college trustees, administrators and athletic directors paying football coaches not to coach?

If they are intelligent, educated people, why are they doing stuff like this?

Are they worth it?

USA Today collects head coach’s contracts, including the buyout amounts paid fired coaches each year.

Their contracts at public schools are supposed to be public record. USA Today got details on 123 coaching contracts. A few exorbitant deals:

• Texas A&M gave Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher a 10-year, $75 million, fully guaranteed contract.

Although Fisher’s last Florida State team went 5-6, the exit buyout if he quits will cost him nothing.

If he’s fired, A&M has to pay him for the years and dollars remaining as if he was still actively coaching.

• Louisville agreed to pay Bobby Petrino $14.1 million although they were hiring one of the most notoriously unreliable coaches in college football with over a decade of public shenanigans.

Petrino was looking to go with erratic play calling and 7 straight losses. No one cried over his departure.

• Kentucky agreed to pay Mark Stoops $15.6 million. So far, they look like geniuses. Kentucky is in no position to dethrone Alabama, but they were good enough to beat the Gamecocks.

The Gamecocks have lost 5 straight years to a Wildcats’ school it once considered a gimme.

• North Carolina paid Larry Fedora $12.2 million to field 2 losing teams.

Now they’ve coaxed Mack Brown out of retirement and his team that was supposed to lose to the Gamecocks by 10 points beat them by 4.

University of South Carolina head coach Muschamp must wish his old boss at Texas had stayed retired.

A smart hire

• Virginia pays former BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall $18.2 million.

Like Kentucky, they must be glad they did. His team held the Gamecocks scoreless at the Belk Bowl. Based on USC’s performance over the last 3 seasons, the brass don’t look like brainiacs.

They agreed to pay Mus-champ $15 million in a 5 year contract. In his 4th season, what do you bet he will be gone at the end of this year with a $3 million payday not to coach?

Is this any way to run a college sports program?

The Sports Grouch welcomes your emails at ChronicleSports@yahoo.com .