the editor talks with you

MacLeod and I like old movies. Some we have seen more than once. We sit side by side on the couch. If her hands are cold, I warm them. We watched one of our favorite westerns the other night, George Stevens’ classic “Shane” with Alan Ladd. Shane is a reformed gunfighter who never raises his voice, is polite to the bad guys, unassuming but lethal when he needs to. Alan Ladd plays it understated, mild mannered and actually charming. But when he straps on his guns at the end of the movie, you know someone is going to get it. Alan Ladd made a career playing quiet, charming killers, most of them good guys who only killed when they had to.

I bring this up because this is the time of year to evaluate yourself, your attitude, how you treat others and if it is with the same respect you want them to give you. Are you positive or negative, happy or sad? Our friend John Carlton asks if you know who are the most polite people on earth? His answer: Sociopaths who kill and folks who can kick our butts. They don’t care about the social score or who’s dominant. They smile, never argue and achieve their goals quickly and efficiently. They don’t have time for jousting.

If you want a simple tactic to win friends, persuade others and earn trust and respect, do what they do.

• Be polite. Say “please” and mean it. Say “thanks” and mean it. Call men “sir” (even if they’re younger), and women “ma’am” (even when they’re younger), and listen intently when anyone is speaking to you. Meet their eyes.

• Do not argue, unless that is the dark alley you want to go down.

• Stop posturing. If you’re good or successful, smart, experienced, talented, or can kick butt, people will either find out soon enough, or they won’t. It doesn’t matter.

Use these simple tools to get people into rapport with you quickly. Use charm to be non-threatening (unless it’s needed), give others your total attention and remain committed to your goals. You’re a nice person who deserves more, yet the sociopaths and butt-kickers are waltzing through doors into opportunities that should have been yours. Why is that? Because they’re charming and polite and know how to move through social situations without an attitude. Caring about the small stuff is a sucker’s game. Breathe deeper. Reach higher. Live bigger.

In their new book, “The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It,” John Tierney and Roy Baumeister write that our minds are skewed by a negativity bias. This is just now becoming clear to scientists that it is a universal tendency for bad things and wrenching emotions to affect us more strongly than positive ones. “Our brain’s negativity bias evolved as a survival mechanism,” they wrote. “What worked for our ancestral hunter-gatherers doesn’t always work for us.” Studies have shown that negative events have 3 times the impact of positive ones. Keep a daily journal and list at least 4 good things that happened to you today.

Next: Red raft of courage

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