Mental Health Matters: Self-talk

If you want to change how you see yourself, a good place to start is paying attention to what you tell yourself.

Most people do talk to themselves, either out loud or silently inside their heads. Some internal speech is spontaneous, such as when we are surprised and think, “Wow, didn’t see that coming.” Sometimes we use it to rehearse future actions, talking ourselves through a process or practicing what we want to say to another person.

Private speech, referred to as self-talk, is the speech we direct toward our own selves. It is used to regulate oneself or change one’s emotional state. This is often done using cue words we have learned from experience or through coaching or counseling. In fact, much of the research on the effects of self-talk is done to enhance athletes’ performance.

In the mental health field, we often probe a person’s self-talk to get a better idea of how they think about and treat themselves, as well as to find out more about their emotions.

For instance, if a person is feeling depressed, it is a good bet that their self-talk emphasizes what they see as bad about themselves. “You’re no good. No one likes you. You can’t get anything right.” On the other hand, someone striving to do their best will have much different self-talk. “Keep going, you’ve got this! I believe in you.”

The field of self-compassion encourages people to talk to themselves as they would a friend. You would not tell a friend she is no good or stupid. You would tell her she is valuable and loved, that everyone makes mistakes, but those do not define us.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) often asks people to question how realistic their self-talk is, especially when it makes them depressed, anxious or ashamed. For example, is it really true that in your whole life you have never gotten anything right? It is more accurate (and kinder) to tell yourself that sometimes you do things the right way and sometimes you mess up, but you are always a worthwhile person.

Some people try to motivate themselves using negative self-talk, hoping this will light a fire under them. The research on this is mixed, but we do know that positive self-talk has benefits on performance in much the same way as praise from another person makes us feel good.

In their 2023 paper in The Review of General Psychology, Latinjak, et al describe two types of self-talk: instructional and motivational. “Instructional cueing (or instructional self-talk) aims to aid performance by triggering desired actions through proper focus of attention, correct technique, and strategy execution (Hardy et al., 1996). Motivational cueing (or motivational self-talk), in turn, is expected to increase performance by enhancing confidence, inspiring greater effort, and creating positive mood.”

From these descriptions, one can easily imagine a person using self-talk in beneficial ways. Perhaps you envision a musician talking themselves through proper fingering on their instrument or a tennis player repeating a coach’s instruction for an improved serve. As they do this, they may also use motivational self-talk to help them overcome frustration as they practice or nervousness when they perform.

As with most changes, the first step is to identify the problem. Think back on times you were using negative self-talk. What messages did you send yourself and did these really help you feel better? Labels like “stupid,” “lazy,” “selfish” and “idiot” are mean things to call anyone and you are no exception.

After you identify your negative self-talk, ask why you would want to treat yourself so badly. Maybe these are words you’ve heard others say about you, or you think this is the best way to spark some motivation. Remember that being mean never helped anyone.

Think of kinder, more realistic messages you can use in your self-talk and practice them daily. Here are some you might want to try: I am growing and learning every day; I can have a bad day while having a good life; I am able to create positive changes in my life; I am a unique and valuable person.

Nora Sinclair is a licensed professional counselor and a national certified counselor based in Lexington, S.C.