BEHIND THE MIKE

They just turned three but there is no question in my mind about the future of my twin grandsons, Yogi (Cameron) and Spike (Keenan). They call me Jiddy (Lebanese for grandfather) when they attack our home every Sunday.

Spike is destined to be either an engineer or a Certified Public Accountant. All I have to do is holler out a number and he will begin a countdown litany that even I cannot match. He counts backwards better than forward. On top of that, he is bilingual. Three year old Keenan is actually teaching me Spanish. Go figure.

Yogi, on the other hand, is destined to be a salesman or maybe even a professional speaker. From the moment they arrive at our home until the moment they leave (kicking and screaming), Yogi never shuts up.

My wife and I are going through a remodeling project and half our home is upside down at the moment. When Yogi (who doubles as the building inspector) arrives, he examines anything that is new and questions the “who, what, when, where, why and how” of everything.

Spike, on the other hand, is a numbers guy. His favorite toy, not surprisingly, is a calculator. His second favorite is one of the three broken keyboards that are in the toy room. He’ll sit at the keyboard and I’ll call out a number and he types it immediately. I never thought we would have a geek in the family, but I guess it’s pretty cool.

I actually love giving speeches to engineers and accountants. They love figuring things out so you have to speak in riddles. I have made a pretty decent living speaking to the geeks of the world that work at NASA or for their hundreds of contractors.

Astronaut John Glenn once remarked “The thing that concerns me the most? This shuttle was built by the lowest bidder. Look out when you have both engineers and accountants on the job. The one word you don’t want to hear is “oops.”

If Cameron follows his Jiddy’s path into public speaking, he might want to consult with Keenan before he uses humor to his engineering or accounting audiences.

There is an often told joke on the platform. The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

There are tons of engineer bumper stickers. “I’m an engineer. To save time, let’s just assume I’m never wrong.”

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Engineers operate under the assumption “If it isn’t broken, let’s take it apart and fix it anyway.” Engineers don’t argue; they just explain why they are always right.

Accountants are just as bad as engineers and the worst among them are the actuaries. Their whole world is about numbers. What do you call a female actuary who marries a male accountant? A fun-lover.

Who do you save if a tax collector and a bailiff are drowning? The actuary goes to lunch to study the problem.

I was giving a speech to the International Association of Actuaries. I usually hit the bathroom right before my speech. As I stepped into the men’s room, an old friend of mine was standing down at the very end, relieving himself. I kidded him, “A bit standoffish today are we?” His typical actuarial response “I figure there’s a 50% less chance of me getting wet down here.”

Accountants are no better. There was a CPA who was having trouble falling asleep. His doctor asked “Have you tried counting sheep?” He responded, “Yes but I made a mistake and I can’t find the error.”

Michael Aun, CPAE Speaker Hall of Fame® earned his Certified Speaking Professional designation CSP® in 1983.