BEHIND THE MIKE

This column appears in some 1,500+ publications in 41 countries. Many are actually sent to me by mail each week. One cannot help but get a kick out of the similarities, but also the differences.

Many have their “Letters to Santa” sections. The Rappahannock Times in Virginia actually prints a special supplement featuring copies of letters from kids to Santa. Some of the comments and questions are both profound and humorous.

Young Kelsie wanted to know how many toys Santa makes in a day. Reasonable request.

Another child wrote “Sup up man… you’ve been eating too many cookies. Dude, you want me to bring you some healthy food?”

Of all the Santa requests, Pokémon appeared to be among the most popular. Noticeably, the little girls writing in had much better penmanship than their male counterparts.

Sweet little Marvely wrote “I want to know if you want a present from me.” That was thoughtful. Many asked about the weather at the North Pole and others checked in on the Elves and the reindeer.

Elizabeth was inquisitive about Santa’s beard. “Do some kids really tug on your beard to make sure it’s real?” Young Thorn thought to ask about Mrs. Clause. Sydney cut to the chase: “Is Rudolph real?”

Some of the other papers from around the world had similar Letters to Santa sections. One wrote, “Just text my dad… he has the complete list.”

Some parents are cruel. One child wrote “Mom said there would be no Santa this year because Obama was elected.”

Many children are innocent. Others not so much. “Dear Santa, I want U to know that I want a puppy and U R Not alive, U R fat, and Stuped.” One has to pray that the dog is going to change this angry kid’s outlook on life.

Another child wrote in “Bring mom a breast milk pump thing.” The most creative note one child sent actually had cut out pictures of all the items she wanted.” She had a real penchant for diamond rings and jewelry.

An enterprising youngster wrote: “Dear Santa Claus, I am so sorry of what I did in the past and thank you for the Christmas letter. I love it. But what I want for Christmas this year is 5.3 billion dollars. Please rite another letter this year. I love you.”

One future Supervisor of Sanitation wrote: “I have been very good… I picked up 12 piles of dog poop,” he reveals. Santa, when you poop, is your poop the color of holiday candies?” Fair question.

All kids are not so pure, evidenced by this letter to Santa. “You better bring my pony this year. Or there will be consequensis.”

“Last I would like something for my community. I would like a Micdonols (Mc-Donalds) be cos I like going their and iting their.”

“Santa, I decided that I wouldn’t sign your Christmas card. I thought it would be more fun to keep you wondering who could be your secret pal from afar! Happy Holidays!”

“I smashed everything you sent me last year.” I won’t tell you what I want this year, but you better not mess up.”

That was not the only threatening message poor Santa has been sent. Another writer says they will feed his reindeer to the homeless if they don’t get a Blackberry, money and Justin Bieber.

Two further angry letters complain of not getting what they wanted in previous years, and threatening violence if their wishes aren’t granted.

Of course, if you ask us, the language used doesn’t sound like the behavior of good little girls and boys, so we can’t really blame Santa for dismissing their demands.

Dear Santa. I want a fat bank account and a slim body… and please, don’t mix those two up.”

My favorite letter of all: “Santa, I’ve been good all year… ok… well most of the time… actually once in a while. Awww… the heck with it, I’ll by my own junk.”

Michael Aun is the co-author of “Chicken Soup For The Catholic Soul”