A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, “What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1993?”

The Indian answer, “Eggs.”

The man scoffed, “Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He’s a phony.”

Thirteen years later the traveler’s train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, “How?”

The Indian answered, “Scrambled.”

There are three ways to tell if you’re getting old. First, a loss of memory; second…

One out of four Americans is mentally ill. Next time you’re in a group of four people, take good look at the other three. If they look all right, you’re it!

Middle age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.

Millionaire: A billionaire after taxes.

A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.

If the Lord wanted us to enjoy sunrises, they would come up at 10 in the morning.

Teacher: You can be sure that if Moses were alive today, he’d be considered a remarkable man.

Lenny: He sure ought to be—he’d be 2,500 years old.

Did you hear about the man who was driving down the street when all of sudden he came across a long line of people. They were all walking single file in the middle of the road. He drove past 100, then 200, then 300, until he lost count. All of them were walking single file down the white line in the center of the street.

Finally, up ahead he saw the line of people slowing down to a standstill. At the head of the line he saw a hearse, and then another hearse; and then a big black limousine. The limousine had a flat tire and the driver was changing the tire. The man’s curiosity was so great that he pulled his car over the side of the road, got out, walked over to the limousine, and knocked at the window.

The window rolled down, and he saw a man in a black suit, and next to him on the seat was a dog. “Pardon me, sir,” he said, “but I have never seen a funeral like this before. Could you tell me what is going on?”

The man in the suit replied, “Well, in the first hearse is my wife. The dog sitting next to me killed her.”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” said the man. “But what about the second hearse?”

The man in the suit said, “In the second hearse is my mother-in-law, and the dog next to me killed her also.”

“I’m so sorry,” said the man. He then started to walk back to his car. About halfway there, he turned around and went back to the limousine. He said, “Excuse me, sir, but would it be possible to borrow you dog for awhile?”

The man in the black suit replied, “Get in line.”

Man 1: The reason I climb mountains is because they are there!

Man 2: That’s the reason everybody else goes around them!

Teacher: Robert Burns wrote “To a Field Mouse.”

Student: I’ll bet he didn’t get an answer.

He is the only person who enters the room mouth first.

Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? A: A Vel-Crow.

Music Teacher: What’s your favourite musicle instrument?

Fat Kid: The lunch bell

Q: Did you hear about the guy who’s whole left side was cut off?

A: He’s all right now.