My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic. The joke’s on him though, I don’t have a roommate.

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide? The I. C. U.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

My twin brother called me from prison. He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?” A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150. He’s a pickup artist.

Do you remember the joke I told you recently about my spine? It was about a weak back.

I relabelled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin…

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and have not noticed anything strange.

My favorite word is “Drool”. It sort of rolls off the tongue.

My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body. I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My son told me he didn’t understand cloning. I told him, “That makes two of us.”

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the grocery list I was writing. I can’t read a word now.

Alcohol doesn’t make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!