What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener!

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Says.

Says who?

Says me, that’s who!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?

A: An extra hour of rain

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?

A: To Cloud 9

Q. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A. Because they have two left feet!

Q. How do dog catchers get paid?

A. By the pound!

Q: What do chemists’ dogs do with their bones?

A: They barium!

When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”…

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates

Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My sister Tina was telling her husband, Tom, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Tom replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

Q. How are stars like false teeth?

A. They both come out at night!

If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.

As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one.

If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream.