BEHIND THE MIKE

So, I am standing behind this cop in my doctor’s office recently. Each of us is awaiting our regular shakedown from the good doctor. Talk about your grand theft!

Just to make conversation, I asked him about his life as a Deputy Sheriff. I was specifically interested in all the equipment he was hauling around. He had weighed in earlier and they had knocked off 25 pounds to arrive at his real weight to save the trouble of his stripping down.

The police business is tough on a good day. I spent about six months as a Deputy Sheriff at the age of 19 as jailer and dispatcher at the Lexington County Sheriff’s Department. When we deployed one of our men to a disturbance at a night club, he was shot five times and died on the scene. It was more than I could stomach, so I decided the Sheriff business was not for me.

there is a humorous side to police life. All the excuses that every highway patrolman has to endure could fill several books. When asked by a lady he pulled, “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” The officer responded “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

Traffic cops have to have a sense of humor. One rubbernecker asked the cop on the scene “What happened?” He responded “Alligator attack!”

And before you laugh at the next fat cop you see, you should realize that he would probably rather shoot you than fill out all the paperwork to chase you down. Anyway, a fat cop saving your life is better than no cop at all, and before you give the high sign to the fuzz, try not breaking the law.

One lady told the highway patrolman, “Enough already. Give me a ticket. If you remember I told you I was in a hurry!” Another woman blamed the air… “It was wind pushing me.”

Most folks are not very creative with their excuses. At the top of the list: “I was going to the hospital.” Next was “I am late for work.” More original but lower on the list, “I have to use the bathroom.” Finally, “I’m new in town” trailed the pack.

One old timer who was pulled for speeding said: “I wasn’t speeding. I admit, I did pass two cars that were!”

A state trooper pulled over an old man for speeding. The officer said to the man, “If you give me an excuse I have never heard before, I will let you go.” The old man said “Several years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were him trying to bring her back to me.” The officer said “Slow down and have a nice day!”

A beautiful blonde gets pulled and the officer asks to see her license. She replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday another cop took my license and today you expect me to show it to you!”

One officer radioed in, “All units. I stopped the guy who pays our salary… in case you want to thank him personally.”

An often told story from the platform tells of a police officer who pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. “I’ll probably go to driving school and get my license.”

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He acts like a wise guy when he is drunk.”

This woke the guy in the back seat. When he saw the cop, he blurted out, “I knew we would not get far in a stolen car.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked “Are we over the border yet?”

Michael Aun CSP, CPAE Speaker Hall of Fame, is the author of “Winning the Time Wars… How to Build a 26-hour Day!”