A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked out she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”

He turned and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee.

If you were my wife I would drink it.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you.

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.

Husband: I wish you were a newspaper so I could have a new one everyday.

A 80 year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, ” Honey let’s get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!”

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, “Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!”

The husband says, “That is because you have your breasts in the soup!”

Wife: ‘Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Husband: It’s a scarf!

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.

Asked the secret for staying together, the wife replied, “Years ago we made a promise that the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, Why don’t you do that?

Husband: How can I? Her husband won’t like it..

The boss hung a poster:

I AM THE BOSS DO NOT FORGET

He returned from lunch to find a slip on his desk.

“Your wife called. She wants her poster back.”

A man got 2 wishes from God. He asked for the Best Wine and Best Woman.

Suddenly he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa.

Man outside phone booth said: Excuse me! You’ve been on the phone 20 minutes and haven’t spoken!

Man inside: I’m listening to my wife.

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary,. What would you like to do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Got a joke for Scoop? Send it to LexingtonChronicle@gmail.com