A modern-day Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years. Upon awakening, he immediately called his broker.

“What’s the stock market done the past 20 years?” he inquired.

With the aid of a computer, his broker soon was able to report that his 100 shares of AT&T were now worth $9.5 million, his 100 shares of General Motors worth $7.9 million, and his oil holdings had increased to $19 million.

“Great!” Rip exclaimed. “I’m rich!”

At which point the telephone operator interrupted and said, “Your three minutes are up, sir. Would you please deposit a million dollars?”

First husband: I think my wife is getting tired of me.

Second husband: What makes you fell that way?

First husband: She keeps wrapping my lunches in road maps.

The teller had just been robbed for the 3rd time by the same man, and the police officer was asking if he had noticed anything specific about the criminal.

“Yes,” said the teller, “he seems to be better dressed each time.”

Ad in newspaper:

For sale cheap…my son’s collection of rock ‘n’ roll CDs. If a boy’s voice answers the phone, hang up and call later.

Husband: I know you are having a lot of trouble with the baby, dear, but keep in mind, “the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”

Wife: How about taking over the world for a few hours while I go shopping?

First man: My wife just got a ticket for speeding.

Second man: That’s nothing! My wife is so bad the police gave her a season ticket.

School days are the best days of your life, if your children are old enough to go.

Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? A: They’re making headlines...