The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

Someone asked, “What is the most sensitive nerve in the human body?”

The preacher answered, “The one that leads to the pocketbook.”

The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it’s caused by advancing age.

“To tell the truth, Doctor,” said a hardworking housewife, “I’ve always wanted to have a nervous breakdown. But every time I was about to get around to it, it was time to fix somebody a meal.”

Wife: When we were younger, you used to nibble on my ear.

Husband: Excuse me, I’ll be right back.

Wife: Where are you going?

Husband: I’m going to get my teeth.

Late-staying guest: Well, good night. I hope I have not kept you up too late.

Yawning host: Not at all. We would have been getting up soon, anyway.

The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.

“Nobody in school likes me,” he complained. “The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school”

“But you have to go to schoo,” countered the mother. “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal.”

“How long have you two been married?” asked a friend.

“We’ve been happily married for 7 years,” answered the husband. “Seven out of 16 isn’t bad.”

Most of us know how to say nothing. Few of us know when.

Phyllis Diller says there’s so much nudity in films that this year’s Oscar for clothing design will probably go to a dermatologist.

If the metric system ever takes over we may have to say the following:

• A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

• Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward,

• Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

A pastor got this notice addressed to him and his wife accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the parish:

“Dear Pastor: Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your wife—and nuts to you.”

An usher was passing the collection plate at a large church wedding. One of those attending looked up, puzzled. Without waiting for the question, the usher nodded his head and said, “I know it’s unusual, but the father of the bride requested it.”

He: Where are you going on your vacation?

Him: Yellowstone National Park.

He: Don’t forget Old Faithful.

Him: She’s going with me.

You are getting old when your back goes out more often than you do.

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, “Your honor, I’m a Christian, I’ve become a new man. But I have an old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man.”

The judge responded, “Since it was the old man that broke the law, we’ll sentence him to 60 days in jai. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we’ll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail.”

Bob: Don’t be afraid of my dog. You kow the old proverb, “A barking dog never bites.”

Rich: Yes, you know the proverb, and I know the proverb, but does you dog know the proberb?

You know you’re getting older when you sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to procrastinate and never get around to it.

You know you are getting old when your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You know you’re getting old when you walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals.