Wife: George! Come quickly! A wild tiger has just gone into mother’s tent!

Husband: Well, he got himself into that mess, let him get out of it!

A Texan was visiting Scotland, and every time his host would show him a sight he would say. “That’s nothing! We’ve got the same thing in Texas, only better!”

Finally they arrived at Loch Lomond. The Texan said, “Well, you have one thing that we don’t have in Texas. This is a pretty lake.”\The host said, “Well, you could dig a pipeline from Texas under the ocean and into the lake. If you can suck as hard as you can blow, the lake is yours.”

Q: What’s more clever than speaking several languages?

A: Keeping your mouth shut in one.

If you’re traveling in Scandanavia and you come to the last Lapp, you must be near the Finnish line.

I just heard of a man who met his wife at a travel bureau. She was looking for a vacation and he was the last resort.

Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end…you just be yourself.

He lights up a room when he leaves it.

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. “Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius.”

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.” There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re leaving right now. Get your coat and let’s get out of here.”

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. “You’re angry about something.”

“Oh, really? You noticed?” he sneered. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t go to Coney Island?”

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tracot. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”

“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

A man pleaded with the psychiatrist,”You’ve got to help me. It’s my son.”

“What’s the matter?”

“He’s always eating mud pies. I get up every morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come home at lunch and he is eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is eating mud pies.”

The psychiatrist reassured him, “Give the kid a chance. It’s all part of growing up. It’ll pass.

“Well, I don’t like it, and neither does his wife.”