Politics Explained

Communism: if you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk.

Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and then the government gives you some of the milk.

Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes both cows.

Fascism: If you have two cows, you milk both of them and give the government half of the milk.

Progressivism: If you have two cows, you kill one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull.

A minister told his congregation that there are 739 sins. He already has received 73 requests for the list.

Did you hear about the Texan who was trying to make a phone call at his hotel?

“Operator, how much does it cost to call New York?”

“Twenty-five dollars and seventy-five cents,” said the operator.

“Why I can call hell and back for that much,” said the Texan.

“Yes, sir,” said the operator, “that’s a local call.”

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

Love is sometimes like a poisoned mushroom. You can’t tell if it’s the real thing until it’s too late.

Son: How do they catch lunatics, Dad?

Dad:With lipstick, beautiful dresses and pretty smiles.

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this conjunction, as preparation for my discourse, I would like all of you to read the 17th chapter of Mark.” On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, “Now then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise you hands.” Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, “You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark.”

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

A Texas rancher was visiting an Iowa farm. The Iowa farmer was justly proud of his 200 acres of rich, productive land.

“Is this your whole farm?” the Texan asked. “Why, back in Texas I get in my car at 5 am and I drive and drive all day. At dusk, I just reach the end of my ranch.”

The Iowa farmer thought a while and replied, “I used to have a car like that, too.”

A sample of what might happen if we had socialized medicine is currently making the rounds. It goes something like this:

A man, feeling the need of medical care, went to the medical building. Upon entering the front door, he found himself faced with a battery of doors, each marked with the names of ailments, such as appendicitis, heart disease, cancer, etc.

He felt sure his trouble could be diagnosed as appendicitis, so he entered the door so marked. Upon entering, he found himslef faced with two more doors, one marked male and the other female. He entered the door marked male and found himself in another corridor where there were two doors, one marked Protestant and other Catholic.

Since he was a Protestant, he entered the proper door and found himself facing two more doors, one marked white and the other people of color. He entered the white door and again was faced with two more doors marked taxpayer and nontaxpayer. He still owned equity in his home, so he went through the door marked taxpayer, and found himself confronted with two more doors marked single and married.

He had a wife at home, so he entered the proper door and once more there were two more doors, one marked Republican and the other Democrat.

Since he was a Republican, he entered that door and fell nine floors to the alley.

Wife: Honey, I can’t get the car started. I think it’s flooded.

Husband: Where is it?

Wife: In the swimming pool.

Husband: It is flooded.