One of the more stressful aspects of parenting is deciding how to discipline children and teens. Many parents have strong opinions on which methods are best, only to feel angst when confronted with needing to use them. We seem to instinctively know that a punishment needs to be strong enough to deter future bad behavior, and yet, we also know that corporal punishment is abusive, especially when it involves fists or the use of implements such as belts and paddles on our children’s vulnerable bodies and minds.
Studies done on behavior management date back to at least the late 1800s when Ivan Pavlov developed the theory we call classical conditioning. B.F. Skinner began his research in operant conditioning in the 1930s, showing that rewards are more powerful than punishment in shaping behavior. These two models are relevant to the subject of parenting because they give us information about how people respond to rewards and punishments, which is an important part of how we learn.
Without a doubt, adults need to provide a lot of rewards for children’s positive behavior because it reinforces they did something good. It is not necessary to buy out the store to reward children. Pro-social behaviors such as smiles, hugs, saying, “Good job," showing interest in their interests and spending time together are the types of rewards children respond to and which show you value them.
Advice on punishing children often says to take away something they value, however, there may be more lost than gained if parents take away activities which, themselves, have a lot of developmental and mental health benefits.
Numerous studies show the benefits to extracurricular activities are broad, from better performance in school to greater self-esteem and resilience. A 2022 study published by LaForge-MacKenzie, et al, found that participating in sports and extracurricular activities prior to and during COVID-19 was associated with better mental health outcomes in children from elementary to high school. Depression, hyperactivity and inattention were all lower in children who participated in activities. A 2020 study by Oberle, et al, concluded that activities outside of school promote less screen time and that less screen time is associated with better mental health in adolescents.
From these studies and more, one can see there is likely more benefit from punishing a child or adolescent by taking away screen time than by taking away sports, music, arts or other non-school activities.
In general, screen time should be limited to no more than two hours per day. This includes all screens, whether they are phones, tablets, computers or televisions. Yes, it can be quite difficult to adhere to these limits because, for parents, screen time often means time when their children are being quiet, which is quite rewarding to parents! If screen time is set up as a privilege or even its own earned reward, then children can learn how to amuse themselves, a skill which has great benefits as they mature.
What can you do if your child is not motivated by lost screen time? First and foremost, punishments should never endanger a child or be more intense than their physical and emotional capacity. While we want punishments to deter children from bad behavior, we also want to teach them good values, so in choosing a punishment, consider what messages you do and do not want your children to learn.
Talk with them when everything is calm to let them know which behaviors are not appropriate, why that is, and how they will be punished. Children and teens tend to know themselves, so open the conversation to get their ideas on what would be effective punishments. Keep in mind that different children will be motivated by different things. One of your children may be motivated if you take away toys while another is motivated by an earlier bedtime. What motivates children will also change as they mature.
Finally, you need to be consistent. Every time the child does the inappropriate behavior, give them a chance to correct it, and if it is not corrected in a reasonable amount of time, you need to implement the punishment you told them would happen. Most children will quickly figure out it is not worth it to continue misbehaving. Threatening a punishment but then failing to follow through sends the message it might be ok to misbehave after all.
If you find yourself feeling rageful or out of control because of your child’s behavior, the safest thing to do is to first make sure the child is safe (such as in their room) and then go where you can cool down (such as your room). You can call a partner, friend or even the 9-8-8 crisis line for help.
Nora Sinclair is a licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor based in Lexington, S.C.