When we watch the television news, we find that our highways aren’t safe, our streets aren’t safe, our parks aren’t safe… but under our arms we’ve got complete safety protection.

Whenever a man’s friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

— Washington Irving

Jumping at conclusions is not half as much exercise as digging for facts.

A doctor, appearing as an expert witness on behalf of a man injured in a car accident, was being badgered by an overbearing attorney.

“You say, Doctor, that you’re familiar with the symptoms of a brain concussion?”

“That’s correct,” replied the doctor.

“Well tell me, Doctor,” continued the attorney, “if you and I were riding in a car and another car struck us and our heads bumped together, is it your opinion that we could suffer a brain concussion.”

“It’s my opinion,” replied the doctor, “that I would and you wouldn’t.”

Bride: The two best things I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings.

Groom: Well, which is this?

Wife: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?

Husband: No thanks. I’ll use my hammer.

People who cough incessantly never seem to go to a doctor—they go banquets, concerts and church.

Someday I would like to see a waiter with enough courage to lay the check face up on the table.

A bald man’s retort: “In the beginning God created all men bald; later He became ashamed of some and covered them up with hair.”

She looks like she had her face lifted and the crane broke.

Husband: Ouch! I bumped my crazy bone.

Wife: Oh, well, comb your hair right and the bump won’t show.

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

—Will Rogers

“When I went out with Fred, I had to slap his face five times.”

“Was he that fresh?”

“No. I thought he was dead.”

One of Joe’s bunk mates broke up with his girl friend. The girl friend wrote demanding that he return her photograph immediately. The soldier borrowed a collection of several pictures of various girls and sent them to his ex-sweetheart with her photo tucked in among them. He enclosed a note:

“Dear Mildred, pick out yours. I have forgotten what you look like.”

Pastor: Isn’t this a beautiful church? Here is a plaque for the men who died in the service.

Matt: Which one—morning or evening.

A diet is a short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.

A wife is the only person who can look into the top drawer of a dresser and find a man’s socks that aren’t there.

They say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference.

People who think that time heals everything haven’t tried sitting it out in a doctor’s waiting room.

An evangelist was speaking in a meeting when a heckler shouted, “Listen to him! And his father used to drive a wagon led by a donkey.”

“That’s right,” said the evangelist. “And today my father and the wagon are gone. But I see we still have the donkey with us.”

“What happened to that dopey blonde your husband used to run around with?”

“I dyed my hair!”

On the way home from church a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust?” ”Yes, darling”

“And do we go back to dust again when we die?”

Yes, Dear.”

“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I found someone who is either coming or going.”

Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey!