If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

Q. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A. Because they have two left feet!

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.

“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.

“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.

Textbook Definition

Mother: (noun)

One person who does the work of 20. For free.

You know you’re a mom when… picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary.

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

Q: What do you call friends who love math?

A: Algebros.

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college?

A: Because it already had a million degrees!

Q: What do planets like to read?

A: Comet books!

Q. Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?

A. It was full!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?

A: An extra hour of rain

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?

A: To Cloud 9.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

Q. Our wedding was so beautiful …

A. Even the cake was in tiers.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.