Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”

“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase.

I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?”

“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”

Did you hear about the cell phones that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.