An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.” The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”

A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him. “It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.” “Then why are you crying?” she says. “Because first I laughed!” he answers.

As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.” How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.