Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.” “What? Why?” “It’s all over the Bible, dearest.” “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!” The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” “And that helps?” “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

Honey, do you think I gained weight? No, I think the living room got smaller.

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? A trip to Thailand? Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary? Then I pick you up again

I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

A man noticed his credit card had been stolen, but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.”

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?” The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed and goes to the fridge. Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Because there’s a wedding going on. But isn’t the horn a warning signal. Mommy? Exactly, son.

My husband and I had a very happy 20 years. After that we met.

Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you. Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports? Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I agree.”

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick: “It was great. Today we made explosives!” Mother: “And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick: “What school?”