“I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,” said an old woman. “So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. “I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. “I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. “But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch. “You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer. “You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her. “You used to nibble on my ear.” “Let me get my teeth.”

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

What should you give a man who has everything? A girlfriend to show him how to work it.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach. “That’s not going to help,” says his wife. “Yes, it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.

After years of dieting, I found there was only one way to look thin: Hang out with fat people.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:”Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts… When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts… When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts… When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!” The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.”

Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can’t remember the number.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.