Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief? A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.

Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: You’re dyslexic.

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud.

Q: Why did the balloon burst? A: Because it saw a lolly pop.

Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler? A: They say he couldn’t stop throwing up!

Q: What kind of driver never gets a parking ticket? A: A screw driver.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A: A barber.

Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? A: Sherbet.

Q: What do you call a dentist in the army? A: A drill sergeant.

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: You’re pointless!

Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? A: It’s the one rated Arrrr!

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter.

Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? A: The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights!

Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs? A: His trousers fit him like a glove.

Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they’re all in High School!

Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? A: It wooden go!

Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March!

Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you!

Q: What do you call a bee who is having a bad hair day? A: A frisbee.

Q: Why did the M&M go to college? A: Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

Q: What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? A: Shadow.

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one!