the editor talks with you

When my wife met me years ago, it was far from love at first sight. Both of us had highly independent personalities. The odds of us ever getting together were slim to none.

In going through a management training program, she was subjected to working a week for me. That was no picnic.

After she finished a week in every part of the news operation, the managing editor asked where she wanted to work.

To his surprise – and mine – she said she wanted to work with me.

Heavens to Betsy, why? he asked.

Because I learned more from him than from anyone else, she said.

Her sense of personal independence and desire to excel forced me to respect, admire and finally fall in love with her.

Yes, we have different ideas. Yes, we feel free to disagree with each other. Yes, we even – gasp! – argue with each other. This is not a marriage for the faint of heart.

Surprisingly, recent research has found that in marriage, the most important numbers to learn are 5 to 1. That is the ratio of positive discussions to negative ones.

It predicts if a marriage will last or become one of the sad divorce statistics.

It isn’t that you can’t argue with your spouse. But the couples who stay together deliver positive emotional messages even when they don’t see eye to eye.

“They may be arguing but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections,” says psychologist John Gottman who has a math marriage model.

“Masters of Marriage” is Gottman’s term for those happily married. He has been measuring couples every blip, from blood pressure to facial grimaces.

Gottman found that marriages fall into the danger zone when the ratio of positive to negative talks falls below 5 to 1. He can watch a video of a couple in the first few moments of a conversation and predict with 94% accuracy who will later divorce.

He has found that a predictor of divorce is a man’s unwillingness to be influenced by his wife’s or his blindness to her emotions.

Couples who last will influence each other’s moods in a positive manner.

Some may lash out at each other but offset anger with love. They influence each other’s affection, joke, soothe each others’ feelings or change the subject.

Unsuccessful couples add negative fuel to the fire by making hurtful comments.

In the math of marriage, expressions of contempt register -4, disgust -3 and whining –1. But a display of affection, a smile of sympathy, even a touch registers +4.

You don’t have to be a math whiz to have a happy marriage. MacLeod and I have been together longer than she would want me to disclose. But she likes to say that she has enjoyed 7 happy years of marriage.

Next: The goldfish bowl

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