What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years.

Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar… You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!

That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

Why do cows like being told jokes? Because they like being amoosed!

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!