Pastor: Say Deacon, a mule died out in the front of the church.

Deacon: Well, it’s the job of you ministers to look after the dead. Why tell me?

Pastor: You’re right; it is my job. But we always notify the next of kin. It is said that P.T. Barnum, the famed circus magnate, hung a large sign over of the exits of his museum which read, “This way to the egress.” Many people in the crowds, eager to see what an egress looked like, passed through the door and found themselves out on the road.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn’t be done.

Why is it that every time you start to make ends meet, somebody comes along and moves the ends?

For a minute I didn’t recognize you. It was the most enjoyable minutes of my day.

Business was pretty bad at Max’s Bargain Emporium. Then, to compound his troubles, Harry’s on his right decided to run a big going-out-of-business sale and hung up a sign reading: The Greatest Going-Out-Of-Business Sale ever. You couldn’t get bigger bargains if we were really going out of business.

Then Leo, on Max’s left, decided to run a sale and hung up a sign reading: Fire Sale. You couldn’t Get Better Buys Even If There Was A Real Fire.

Max joined the fun. He hung up a sign directly between the others reading: Entrance To Sale.

A executive is a person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.

Nothing is more exasperating than getting in the lane behind a guy who is observing the speed limit.

The principal export of the United States is money.

If your face is your fortune, you won’t have to pay any income tax.

The popular preacher, Charles Surgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making their facial expressions harmonize with their speech in delivering sermons. “When you speak of Heaven,” he said, “Let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly glean. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell…well, then your everyday face will do.”

Q: What do we call the last teeth to appear in the mouth?

A: False.

The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Wife: Honey, will you still love me after I put on a few pounds?

Husband: Yes, I do.

A man is incomplete until he’s married…then he’s finished.

Bob: Does your uncle carry life insurance?

Paul: No, he just carries fire insurance. He knows where he’s going.

In the traffic court of Gaston, a young lady was brought before the judge because of a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to His Honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “You’re a school teacher, eh?” said the judge. “Madam. I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light 500 times!’”